Chopin beats & droppin Brahms.

umi says, “shine your light on the world”
March 31, 2009, 10:13 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

i wish i could tell you that everything is fine. i thought it was. but in the last 3 days, my face has been blanched with many shed tears, and my heart has gained weight with sadness.

to be put in more simpler terms..

my grandmother is sick

and her prognosis is poor.

if there’s one thing that can really cripple me, more than anything in the world, more than financial issues, more than guy problems, more than school, more than the accident i got into last sunday..

it is the death of a loved one, or anticipating the death of a loved one.

the idea that someone will leave this earth, to be completely separated from you in mind, body, and spirit, is nothing short of devastating.


i understand and believe the idea of eternal life and i do believe that we will be reunited with our loved ones in due time HOWEVER


the time of departure is always heartbreaking.
it is the concept of being completely separated for a period of time,
and not knowing when you will be able to see them again.

When Lazarus died,
even Jesus wept.

I was supposed to have left with my dad tonight, but my passport situation proved to be an epic fail. I spent two hours today trying to find loopholes on how to leave as soon as possible without a passport, with travel documents, with a temporary passport, or to resort to rush passport renewal

all while trying to register for my classes.

it all proved to be a futile attempt. i sent off my dad just over an hour ago, where he left unattended, and is meeting with the rest of the family who left earlier this week.


i feel that it’s my fault for not renewing my passport earlier, it never occurred to me that i might have to rush out of the country for an emergency.

sometimes i feel like this is me paying for my mistake.

i’ve been trying to remain strong for my family, as well as myself– and have been trying to keep my regular routine from pausing.


but lately i’ve been so exhausted, emotionally and physically drained that it’s been hard to catch up with it all.

thank you to my close friends and for my family who have been very supportive and who have also been keeping positive during this difficult time.


and to my lola, hang in there. we miss you, we love you, and we are praying for you.



March 26, 2009, 8:16 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

if you take the time to think about it, it’s kind of ridiculous how communication has changed in this day and age. if we backtrack a year ago, i think i only checked facebook for pictures to put on myspace.

NOW– we got people’s myspaces that haven’t been checked in 3 months, who are tweetering their status update for facebook, while videochatting a blog on tumblr while they’re at dinner?



I went to the gas station the other day and as I was pumping gas, there was a TV at the PUMP with a guy that’s telling me the weather, that they’re having a $3 special for 2 hotdogs inside, and to have a nice day. Talkin’ to me like he knows me


people are texting each other in the SAME HOUSE, in the SAME ROOM, across the SAME TABLE. I feel like I can’t even smile at someone anymore because they’re too busy to make eye contact listening to their new Kid Cudi album on their ipod.

And I’m not exempt from bad manners either. I have to confess, there have been times where I have texted at the dinner table, added friends on facebook that I barely knew (and not talked to after that), saw someone I have encountered on occasions but hesitated to say “hello,” didn’t RSVP to an event, neglected to say goodbye before I left.. the list goes on

i’m in no way trying to hate on these social networks, because yes they do come in handy. but it really irks me when people are so active in the cyber community but hardly make an effort to so much as acknowledge people in real life.

we’ve created a new generation of RUDE


It feels as if everyone is too occupied in their own self-contained bubble and then they ask and wonder why it’s so hard to find a “nice guy” or “nice girl” nowadays.

we’re getting too caught up in the mix of the media, and are too reliant on technology for communication and friendship.


but come on– we’re HUMAN. We are naturally social beings.
We NEED and DESIRE the contact with each other from BIRTH.

We need this interaction in order to THRIVE.

we’re forgetting etiquette. who are you talking to? the person on the other line?


i’m sorry that the good, genuine, company of others isn’t enough entertainment for you, just because they’re not giving you a high score like your iphone can..




so put your phone down and learn how to enjoy the company of others.


or are you going to have to google how to do that?

bend and not break
March 23, 2009, 9:28 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized


my bones are weary and my heart is heavy.

i am tempted to submit to the mighty gusts of the wind

and f





to the ground.

but as the fortune teller said,

“you must use all of your strength in this time in your life”

i will fight the urge to surrender

to anything that is not God.


a picture says a thousand words
March 21, 2009, 12:12 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

This is why we take pictures, right?

1. A picture of you in your room


hardly working


2. A picture with someone you really don’t like



3. A picture of you very drunk



4. A picture of you on your birthday, or your favorite holiday



5. The youngest picture you can find of yourself in digital form

let’s go!


6. A picture of you in one of your favorite outfits



7. A picture of you making a goofy face at the camera



8. A picture you might have edited to make yourself look more attractive

i’ve been working out


9. A picture of a night you regret


i lost 😦


10. A picture of you truly being yourself



11. The most recent picture of you



12. A picture of you being absolutely ridiculous



13. A picture of you showing off a new haircut/color



14. A picture of a time in your life that’s over, but you wish it wasn’t



15. A picture of a time in your life that’s over,
and you couldn’t be more thankful that it is



16. A picture of you when you were anything but happy



17. A picture of you when you were nothing but happy


surprise debut!


18. A picture of you when you were a different person than you are now



19. A picture of you with someone you love


20. A picture of how you’d like the world to see you



21. A picture that describes how you’d like to spend every day

any day with my family



the beach


22. A picture of a time when everything was changing



23. A picture that makes your heart hurt

grandma’s funeral 2006


24. A picture that makes your heart smile

how you gonna fix it fix it fix it



25. A picture of one of the best days/nights of your life

thanks vanessa for this picture!


26. A picture of your past


27. A picture of your present








28. A picture of your future



29. A picture you couldn’t leave out


30. A picture of just you


piece by piece
March 20, 2009, 2:28 am
Filed under: Uncategorized


there are moments in life that you want to freeze forever and have them made in travel size so you can bring them with you wherever you go. but if you’re lucky enough, you eventually stop wishing and begin to realize that you won’t have room for all of these moments because your supply keeps getting restocked.

tonight i felt like i won my father back. i heard him laugh really hard for the first time, so hard that he choked on his tom yum soup, while i choked on my fried rice and my sister got yogurt somewhere on the floor. for the first time in a long time he cracked one of his infamously lame jokes that hold comedic sustenance because we’re not laughing at them. we’re laughing at him because he really thinks they’re funny (don’t tell him that)


i actually had to sit back and bask in this moment of greatness because it’s amazing how quickly things can turn out for the better just by changing your lens.


the way you view things..

maybe the situation has not gotten any better per se, but shit, who cares?

isn’t there something to be said about the fool who laughs in the face of darkness?


maybe he’s not such a fool at all. maybe he laughs because he knows that he is not facing the darkness alone..

whatever the case may be, tonight’s dinner with my family elicited so many feelings of joy and happiness that i think i had a moment where i had to hold back tears.

i can’t believe he’s back. my father is back. he is smiling and laughing and being lame again.

and when he hugged me goodbye, he hugged me tight.
not the “you mean so much to me, i can’t afford to lose you” type hug.


it was more of the “it’s good to be home let me hug you hard so you know that i’m here for you” type hug.

a spark has ignited your fire again.

it’s not blazing, but it’s burning.

and once again God has blessed with me with this moment of true happiness, and i can sleep easy.

i am the fool that laughs in the face of darkness,
because i am guided by your light.

and i remember..

memories like these must be cherished forever.

and you will see piece by piece..


things will fall apart
only for other things to fall together.


kanye’s workout plan
March 17, 2009, 11:39 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

not exactly.

Working out for the sake of “looking good” or “losing weight” will most likely lead you on a path of short-lived success. If you want true results that add years to your life, and improve not only your self-esteem but your whole perspective– Change your workout regimen.

I started working out pretty intensely last April. I’ve always done sports in high school, but ever since college hit, it’s been harder to get into a regimen. Not to mention the stress weight you gain in your torso -___-

However, joining martial arts such as kickboxing, boxing, ju jitsu, running, and circuit training have made me feel better inside as well as on the outside.

Not to mention I’ve learned a lot more about life than just being able to really hurt someone (lol).

I’m no supermodel but at least I know I’m healthy, strong, and beautiful.

I don’t think alot of supermodels can say that.

It is a known medical fact that exercising regularly decreases symptoms of depression and stress, and helps stimulate endorphins in the body which are natural UPPERS our body produces when we are happy.

And the end result? You feel better, healthier, and stronger. And it shows.

If you want to be successful, build your workouts around these principles.

build: S T R E N G T H

enhance: F L E X I B I L I T Y

increase: S T A M I N A

acquire: A G I L I T Y

Building your workout around these principles will increase your chances of success and will not disappoint you.

This is LIFETIME training.

And if you want, here’s something to start on.
In the morning wake up:
100 situps or 3 sets of 30 crunches
3 sets of 10 push ups

afternoon/evening workout
light run for 10 minutes to increase heart rate
25 minute circuit training
Do as many as you can in one minute
star jumpers
mountain climbers
crunches on the ball
push ups

repeat this 5 times.

before bed:
3 sets of 30 crunches
1 set of 1-2 minute plank

& if you don’t like these..
Do your research and find some that you like to do. Workouts do not have to be long and tedious, in fact the more intense and faster, the better.

You deserve to live up to your potential, and this includes physically. Your body was made to LIVE with QUALITY.

Here’s to good health


I might as well be naked.
March 8, 2009, 11:38 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Since you’re here, would you mind reading until the end? 🙂

For those of you know that know me and my family, you know exactly how funny we are.


Especially my dad.

The first time my dad bought the magic mic, he sang every night after dinner. A month later he bought this contraption that enabled you to record the songs that you sing on karaoke on to a CD.. so in the event you get tired of your itunes, you can listen to your own terrible singing for an hour on the way to San Diego.


My dad compiled a CD of songs he sang entitled “Jun sings the 90s” (My dad’s name is Jun) because he said it was a list of all the songs he got a score of 90 and above on the magic mic.


We’re all jokesters.. even my mom. If you’ve ever met her, you can just pick up on the almost nonrestrained energy that she exudes. She’s a hoot. And her pizza bread is heaven spread on a pizza of bread– so I’ve been told. (you’d have to witness this for yourself).

And my sister.. she’s the worst one. (And I say worst in the BEST possible way). She’s very quiet and reserved until you finally get to know her and you realize she’s got the best Western accent this side of the Mississippi. And she can also do old people accents too (for an extra charge).


Our lives have been loud, yet happy, full of joy, excitement and laughter. Even with my afro-fuego because of the chemotherapy I had while in kindergarten was still pretty funny to look back on.

But lately life has not been all fun and games. It’s been a huge and tangled rollercoaster that hasn’t paused even for a second. My family has been heavily burdened with financial instabilities, anxiety, and malicious rumors that have been circulating within our extended family.

Excuse my language but it’s a motha fuckin mess.

And you know shit is serious when I haven’t even seen my dad crack a smile for more than 6 seconds, or hear his contagious hearty laugh.. even for a moment

but I have seen him cry twice within the last month.

My dad never cries.


Life is pretty low I’m sorry to admit. I’ve actually never experienced anything similar to this ever. It’s as if life has been leveled to ground level. And to the untrained eye it seems hopeless. We’re on the brink of losing everything in a hot second, and every moment spent is like walking on eggshells with stilletos.

In fact, it’s so twisted that I could barely cry. I’ve blocked off my lacrimal ducts to prevent them from welling up to even show a single sparkle of a tear, because I want to, no, NEED to remain strong for the rest of my family.

A mark of the eldest sibling..

It’s been a while since I’ve really cried, and when I have, it’s because I have literally broken down to pieces, with my whole world feeling like it’s shattered because I feel so robbed from every comfort that I have known.


But right now.. as I’m writing this entry, as tears are streaming down my face.. I’d like to express that things are getting better.


No, life is not getting any easier. I’m optimistic, but I’m also a realist. Life is actually hitting harder and deeper than ever– like a cancer that won’t respond to treatment.

But just like cancer, these hardships can destroy EVERYTHING except
the soul
the human spirit
the heart.


Yeah, it may be that my dad is crying more, but I’d never thought that he’d actually come to me, and embrace me. We love each other but hugging was hardly a display of affection.

When you’ve been robbed and stripped from everything.. all you can really offer is the truth. I didn’t want to sugar-coat this entry because America is obese as it is.

For the first time in history I’ve been able to have some decent conversations with my mom. And my sister and I have gotten alot closer because everything that has happened between us and our family.

And I thank God for every moment I am alive because I can start the day new again. I can wake up and discover my legs are still walking, my hands are still grasping, my eyes are still seeing, and my heart is still beating.


I’m young and the mistakes that have preceded me by either myself or my family can be fixed because God has granted me the most precious gift — Time.


I have my friends and other family who can take me in as their own, and just offer their company. And for those brief moments in time I can sit and be disgusted by glowing blue penises watching Watchmen, goof around during PCN practice, go to Disneyland, or dance off 3 minutes and 31 seconds on the More Fire Dance floor.



I realized that life has everything to do with temperament, patience, and balance. Yeah I can’t solve all my problems by going to Disneyland but at least I can be happy that I can spend time with people I love, somewhere I enjoy.

And even though school has been very taxing, at least I know that I still have the mental abilities to learn and adapt.. and eventually finish my higher education to get not only a well paying job, but a fulfilling one.


And I’m so lucky that I can clasp my hands and pray without having to dodge a bullet because of what I believe in.

And whenever I’m feeling like shit I can bust out Umi says by Mos Def, Hey Jude by the Beatles, or Yellow by Coldplay because I always imagine that God wrote that song especially for me.

Even though things are for lack of better word– terrible and even depressing at times, all is definitely not lost.

While on one hand things are being let go and dying off.. other beautiful more lasting things are growing..



And I know another secret to life that I can pass when the time comes and my stomach is swollen with new life ..

I’ll tell him as soon as he arrives


When times are hard and everything looks hopeless, you must use strength and courage to get yourself through. Because determination is what refuels us and keeps us going

But more equally important, if not MORE important than this.. is that when it’s over, you have to learn how to be resilient. Be able to bounce back to life even when you’ve been exhausted and completely drained.

Because smart people know that all good things come to an end.
But wise people know that all good things come an end, to make room for new and better things.

And before I kiss him on his forehead, I’ll whisper “I love you” one more time and I’ll put him back to sleep until it’s time for me to tell him again.

I hope this entry suits you well.
And if you’re going through tough times, well..

I pray that you find comfort and peace of mind soon.


Thank you for listening, and in due time, all will be well. 🙂