Chopin beats & droppin Brahms.


I might as well be naked.
March 8, 2009, 11:38 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Since you’re here, would you mind reading until the end? 🙂

For those of you know that know me and my family, you know exactly how funny we are.

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Especially my dad.

The first time my dad bought the magic mic, he sang every night after dinner. A month later he bought this contraption that enabled you to record the songs that you sing on karaoke on to a CD.. so in the event you get tired of your itunes, you can listen to your own terrible singing for an hour on the way to San Diego.

magicmic

My dad compiled a CD of songs he sang entitled “Jun sings the 90s” (My dad’s name is Jun) because he said it was a list of all the songs he got a score of 90 and above on the magic mic.

YEAH. IT’S LIKE THAT.

We’re all jokesters.. even my mom. If you’ve ever met her, you can just pick up on the almost nonrestrained energy that she exudes. She’s a hoot. And her pizza bread is heaven spread on a pizza of bread– so I’ve been told. (you’d have to witness this for yourself).

And my sister.. she’s the worst one. (And I say worst in the BEST possible way). She’s very quiet and reserved until you finally get to know her and you realize she’s got the best Western accent this side of the Mississippi. And she can also do old people accents too (for an extra charge).

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Our lives have been loud, yet happy, full of joy, excitement and laughter. Even with my afro-fuego because of the chemotherapy I had while in kindergarten was still pretty funny to look back on.

But lately life has not been all fun and games. It’s been a huge and tangled rollercoaster that hasn’t paused even for a second. My family has been heavily burdened with financial instabilities, anxiety, and malicious rumors that have been circulating within our extended family.

Excuse my language but it’s a motha fuckin mess.

And you know shit is serious when I haven’t even seen my dad crack a smile for more than 6 seconds, or hear his contagious hearty laugh.. even for a moment

but I have seen him cry twice within the last month.

My dad never cries.

EVER

Life is pretty low I’m sorry to admit. I’ve actually never experienced anything similar to this ever. It’s as if life has been leveled to ground level. And to the untrained eye it seems hopeless. We’re on the brink of losing everything in a hot second, and every moment spent is like walking on eggshells with stilletos.

In fact, it’s so twisted that I could barely cry. I’ve blocked off my lacrimal ducts to prevent them from welling up to even show a single sparkle of a tear, because I want to, no, NEED to remain strong for the rest of my family.

A mark of the eldest sibling..

It’s been a while since I’ve really cried, and when I have, it’s because I have literally broken down to pieces, with my whole world feeling like it’s shattered because I feel so robbed from every comfort that I have known.

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But right now.. as I’m writing this entry, as tears are streaming down my face.. I’d like to express that things are getting better.

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No, life is not getting any easier. I’m optimistic, but I’m also a realist. Life is actually hitting harder and deeper than ever– like a cancer that won’t respond to treatment.

But just like cancer, these hardships can destroy EVERYTHING except
the soul
the human spirit
the heart.

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Yeah, it may be that my dad is crying more, but I’d never thought that he’d actually come to me, and embrace me. We love each other but hugging was hardly a display of affection.

When you’ve been robbed and stripped from everything.. all you can really offer is the truth. I didn’t want to sugar-coat this entry because America is obese as it is.

For the first time in history I’ve been able to have some decent conversations with my mom. And my sister and I have gotten alot closer because everything that has happened between us and our family.

And I thank God for every moment I am alive because I can start the day new again. I can wake up and discover my legs are still walking, my hands are still grasping, my eyes are still seeing, and my heart is still beating.

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I’m young and the mistakes that have preceded me by either myself or my family can be fixed because God has granted me the most precious gift — Time.

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I have my friends and other family who can take me in as their own, and just offer their company. And for those brief moments in time I can sit and be disgusted by glowing blue penises watching Watchmen, goof around during PCN practice, go to Disneyland, or dance off 3 minutes and 31 seconds on the More Fire Dance floor.

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——————————-

I realized that life has everything to do with temperament, patience, and balance. Yeah I can’t solve all my problems by going to Disneyland but at least I can be happy that I can spend time with people I love, somewhere I enjoy.

And even though school has been very taxing, at least I know that I still have the mental abilities to learn and adapt.. and eventually finish my higher education to get not only a well paying job, but a fulfilling one.

chla

And I’m so lucky that I can clasp my hands and pray without having to dodge a bullet because of what I believe in.

And whenever I’m feeling like shit I can bust out Umi says by Mos Def, Hey Jude by the Beatles, or Yellow by Coldplay because I always imagine that God wrote that song especially for me.

Even though things are for lack of better word– terrible and even depressing at times, all is definitely not lost.

While on one hand things are being let go and dying off.. other beautiful more lasting things are growing..

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———————–

And I know another secret to life that I can pass when the time comes and my stomach is swollen with new life ..

I’ll tell him as soon as he arrives

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When times are hard and everything looks hopeless, you must use strength and courage to get yourself through. Because determination is what refuels us and keeps us going

But more equally important, if not MORE important than this.. is that when it’s over, you have to learn how to be resilient. Be able to bounce back to life even when you’ve been exhausted and completely drained.

Because smart people know that all good things come to an end.
But wise people know that all good things come an end, to make room for new and better things.

And before I kiss him on his forehead, I’ll whisper “I love you” one more time and I’ll put him back to sleep until it’s time for me to tell him again.

I hope this entry suits you well.
And if you’re going through tough times, well..

I pray that you find comfort and peace of mind soon.

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Thank you for listening, and in due time, all will be well. 🙂

-Natasha

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14 Comments so far
Leave a comment

beautiful baby girl. you know i’m praying for you and the fam. you got this.

Comment by Trina Tan

wow. beautifully written.

i hope and pray that all is well for you and your fam.

but just remember, the rain don’t last forever…

Comment by Karl Flores

Tash, you are amazing. This entry hits very close to home. Thanks and sending over some positive vibes for you and your family as well. I love and miss you as always! <333

Comment by Olivia

Stay up, Ms. Natasha. The universe works in manners of self preservation, and as we’re all part of it, everything thus happens for the BEST reasons. Keep that in mind, and with every new experience, happiness is inevitable.

~David

Comment by David Lazaro

i love you tasha!!

sure, we don’t have class together anymore, and i only see you in the caf, and down the hallways. but that can’t keep me from knowing that you are one amazing lady, someone i appreciate having in my life, even if just to listen to/read your incredibly deep, uplifting, sometimes funny, and always honest words. i wish i could rewind time to like 4hrs ago, when i was too dazed with my own trivial worries to utter more than hello.. and give you a big bear hug 🙂

i’d try saying something encouraging, but i know you’ve got this. so instead let me just tell you that i am thankful for having you in my life ❤

Diana S.

Comment by Diana

Girl,

You know you got this shizzle. Remember what we talked about at J-Town. Be strong TA$SH MONEY.

Vince

Comment by vince

“Because smart people know that all good things come to an end.
But wise people know that all good things come an end, to make room for new and better things.”

absolutely, keep your chin up and your eyes on what’s around you. appeciate every moment for what it is and what it brings to you.

you got it and you’ll get it. nuff said.

BEEF

Comment by red beef

You have a way with the words, lady. Keep your chin up 🙂 I really enjoyed reading this.

Comment by Lammy

This entry does hit close to home, for me.. especially right now. i’m glad you’re looking up. these trials and tribulations test us only to make us stronger for the ones ahead. chip up, baby girl. your family can & will move mountains.

love you lil sis.
-ate april

Comment by april

nice blog. miss you girl! 🙂

Comment by Luann

Oh damn. I was so hoping the family thing would get better. 😦 But, you’re strong and you can carry all of these problems on your shoulders … :] I have faith and I know you do. And it’ll get you through it all.

Comment by zugey

wow. crazy how life works. how events occur at the right moment at the right time. when ur walking down the street needing a laugh and some takes a stumble. or how you can be in ur room feeling like no one relates to you and a song that tells your story comes on. how inspiration knows its purpose and time to appear. how the people and the struggles are put in your life for a reason. God has a plan… and how we must entrust ourselves in his plah. follow His yellow brick road. because what doesn’t kill us in fact molds us in to a person closer what God wants us to be. when ur at the bottom don’t dwell, but rejoice because now there’s only one way to go… and that’s up. be strong, live, love… and continue to inspire.

Comment by ashton

have faith, will travel. you’ve got more good spirits than disneyland.

Comment by kimberls.

I love you. That was absolutely beautiful and inspiring.

Comment by Kimie Kinney




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