Chopin beats & droppin Brahms.

the people you know to the people you knew
May 28, 2009, 12:54 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

it’s a tragic phenomenon.
when the people you know, become the people you knew.

this is not exclusive to “intimate” relationships.

(although the latest jon&kate + 8 episode is a perfect example)

it goes for all relationships: intimate or friendly.

one day you’re clicking, bonding, spending time together, appearing in profile pictures, sharing inside jokes, sharing stories, sharing secrets.
the connection is so strong you’re sitting there wondering

how did i live life without this person!

then next thing you know, you’ve drifted apart. the lively, vivacious, friendship you once shared is now flat. and you can’t even say hi when you pass them by because it’s.. (dare i say it)

A W K W A R D.

because for whatever reason, you had a falling out. it might have been because they betrayed you. it might have been because they changed more than you can handle. it might have been your fault. and it might have been theirs.

or maybe..

it just.. happened. with no explanation.

personally, i think that’s the worst kind.

but then you think about the friends that have lasted you throughout all these years, all the bullshit, the good times and the bad. what was it about them that made your relationship last so long?

why have they stuck around and not others?

well shit! think about it. alot can happen in a day, a week, a month, a YEAR. and at this rate (college years), we’re transforming into the person we will be for the rest of our lives.

research has suggested that your personality during your sophomore year/junior year of college will determine your personality for the next 30 years.


this period of our lives is alot of transitioning, transforming, maturing, and growing– only if we CHOOSE to do so.

some people we meet don’t want to grow up. they are afraid of reality and so they are stuck in the same place and probably will be for the rest of their lives. basically, those people you met in high school, and 10 years later.. they’re still in high school..

stuck in the same city, doing the same things, and unable to relate to you therefore unable to penetrate anything deeper than small talk.

others.. grow too fast. they’re on the fast track to life and never seem to have time for anything except to meet/exceed their expectations. they have their own thing going on. and you respect that.


and then you have the ones that have lasted you the longest. the friend(s) that remain on the same plane as you, and are coincidentally growing WITH you.

they understand you, without even providing explanation. they get you. why? because you’re transitioning, transforming, you’re growing together.

if you do not grow together, you will grow apart.

at this stage of our lives almost anything is possible. so the possibility of a long-lasting kinship is just as much as a short-term one.

and you will meet people that you will absolutely click with and bond with– but will have to let go.

it will hurt, but they didn’t call them growing pains for nothing. ;]

these events are inevitable, they are a part of life.

be mindful that whoever’s life you enter, will change. friendships are galvanized by reciprocity and honesty, so treat them right.

for every relationship/kinship i have ever had, and for every person i have gotten to know i pray that i was a blessing in their life, and not ‘the lesson’.

i am a firm believer that people come into your life for reasons and seasons.

but regardless of their length, they are still significant.

and if the people you know become the people you knew,
let it be.

the true test of a good friend is.. no matter how much time has passed, when you meet again, it feels like they never left.

you have your whole life ahead of you.
remember that.

the ones that last are the ones that matter..


May 25, 2009, 2:08 am
Filed under: Uncategorized


jamel shabazz x bronx, NY

i’m naked again.
May 21, 2009, 11:36 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

“Whatever is necessary is never unwise.”

The purpose of this entry is not to induce pity, nor is it to bring light to the “problems” I have in my life. I want to write about everything that has been going on, because quite frankly, I know I’m not the only one.

As humans, it is within our nature to relate to each other, and to seek others for support. It is through our social nature that we have adapted and thus survived what seems to others as impossible.


Death can destroy the body,
but it can never touch the soul.

So since you are reading this now, I invite you (and would appreciate it) to read until the end.


It is May 21 2009. Almost two weeks of vacation have passed, but the word “vacation” is hardly an accurate description. Birthdays, mother’s day, graduations, me landing my first job, and the highly anticipated SCPASA elections, life seemed to be getting brighter. It was as if every day brought with it a pleasant surprise.

The Sunday of SCPASA elections was a notable one. Lakers won game 7 of the Western Conference Semi-Finals and were moving on to the finals, I was voted as the director of Public Relations, boiling crab with my family, and ending the night at Disneyland with some good friends from Cal Poly Pomona.


Before I went to sleep that night, I thought wow, this was a damn good day. And I also reviewed in my mind what other events that happened that week.. Tiff’s birthday party, Mother’s day, More Fire Mondays with the mount crew, Mount’s graduation, USC’s graduation.

Exhausted from the week/day’s celebrations I fell asleep soundly.

Or so I thought.

I was rudely awakened by a phone call from my father at 2 a.m. Now I was thinking, Why is dad calling me when I’m in the next room? Annoyed, I picked up anyway.

“I just wanted you to know that Lola passed away already,” he said.
At a loss for words, I simply replied “Ok.”

Suddenly my day didn’t seem so wonderful..

I hung up and buried my head in my pillows, saturating them with my tears, muffling my agony. We all were preparing for it, but it still hurts. My grandmother didn’t live here, but she did come to the states enough times that we all got close to her.

I tried to reason with myself by saying that she didn’t die in pain, and she died in the comfort of her own home. She got to see all of her children before she passed away, and she was able to talk to her grandchildren.

I texted friends to pray for our family, and made a futile attempt to go back to sleep.

The next morning was calamity. The family spent the entire day making phone calls, and scheduling their flights back home. To release my anxiety, I went to the gym to start my boxing sessions again.

I guess I didn’t eat very much that day and I almost passed out during my session.

(This is what happens when you haven’t been training for 2 months and your class begins with 100 pushups as a warm-up).

I staggered to the restroom to put some glucose in my system before I completely blacked out, and I woke up on the floor. I gulped down some 10 calorie vitamin water and came back for more. I didn’t care. I needed this.. release.

Punching those bags was my way of displacing my anger that someone I loved so dearly was taken away from me.

The rosary we prayed that night was an emotional one. Like I said before, my dad doesn’t cry. But I clung to his arm while he went through tissue after tissue wiping away tears.

It breaks my heart to see him this way.

I stayed strong throughout the prayer, and didn’t let my emotions get the best of me. I held back tears and mentally prepared myself for what will happen.

The very next day I went to the airport to send off my family. After watching a close victory for the Lakers, we all gave our love, kisses and hugs, and said goodbyes at the terminal.

I took those that stayed behind to Pink’s for some victory dogs. It was spent with good company, as well as close family. After a hearty meal and some shared laughs we decided to venture home. And to my dismay I found a parking ticket.

I love L.A.

Well it’s a good thing I had a job interview the next morning, which was pretty much a guarantee. The supervisor already told me when she wanted to schedule me, she just wanted to come talk to me face to face. How’d I get this interview? The woman is a friend of my stepmom.

I never thought I would have to use that term in a million years. But then again I never thought I would witness my parents’ marriage fail after almost 20 years of marriage.

I had to use that word because my soon to be boss used it. So how else am I supposed to react? “Oh actually she’s not my stepmom, she’s my dad’s fiancée and they don’t know when they’re getting married yet.”

Mmmmm don’t think so. But it doesn’t matter anymore because I couldn’t get the job. Apparently I need to be “certified” nursing assistant in order to work at a skilled nursing facility. Student nurses can only work at hospitals.

“Sayang,” (tagalog for “what a waste”) the supervisor said.

Driving home from the interview, frustrated/angry, and depressed. I just want a job to help out my family. And with this economy, it’s hard to get anything.

So now that my family is gone, I’m the one in charge of taking the kids to school (my sister and the neighbors), as well as picking up from practice if need be, while trying to find a job and stay sane at the same time.

Last night I also hosted my first board meeting for Pangkat 2009 2010. I bleed busy. But all this busy-ness has caused me to not come to terms with everything that’s going on.

I just lost my grandmother.
I’m going to have a stepmother.
I need a job.

I haven’t been able to commit to any emotion, or feel real ones even. This newly acquired survival tactic of suppressing my emotions has now become my greatest weakness.

I’ve been frontin’ so hard that I should get an academy award.

So to prevent myself from breaking down with everything that’s been going on, I wrote this blog.

As this generation gets younger and more independent, I think we’re forgetting how to effectively cope with our emotions.

It’s either we display too much, or we don’t show enough.

And I think it’s really ironic that we do all these things to occupy ourselves and distract our minds. We want to become independent.

Right now I never thought being independent could be so lonely—no, seriously.

But here’s what I’ve gathered from my 20 almost 21 years of life.

It’s an all too familiar story.  I try so hard to make things work, to make ends meet.

And the harder I try, the harder I fall.

But I have to remember that I can’t have everything. I can’t control everything. And sometimes,

Now is not the time.

Even as much as I wanted to prepare myself for the death of my grandmother. I wasn’t ready. None of us were.

And the greatest lessons she taught me was to cherish the life that you have, to live in the present, to thank God, and to love with all your heart. She was a fighter.

She fought a stroke for 2 years, cheated death this April, and joined the angels in heaven in the wee hours of Monday morning.

If life were permanent, it wouldn’t be so valuable.

Times are hard right now. Fuck it. Shit sucks right now.

But everything always ends up being all right in the end.
And if it’s not all right, it’s not the end.

So instead of trying to elicit some emotion to commit to, or exhaust myself trying to make ends meet.. I’m going to live.

We remember the dead by mourning,
we honor the dead by living.

Lola this is for you.
May your soul rest in paradise.

May 19, 2009, 3:15 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

For two weeks or so, I’ve been having dreams that have been so realistic that I wake up wondering if they really happened. At one point one felt so real that the next morning I checked my camera to see if I took pictures.

I need to stop watching Fringe.

May 19, 2009, 3:03 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

millenium force rollercoaster
Cedar Point Theme Park
Sandusky, OH

May 18, 2009, 11:06 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

i just received word that my grandmother passed away. even though she was not near (she is in the philippines), she was very dear to me. we kept a very close relationship.

if you could keep her soul and our family in your prayers it would be greatly appreciated.


the 90/10 rule
May 16, 2009, 1:43 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

My blinfolded mother on mother’s day (yes we blindfolded our mother, and no i am not ashamed) said to me while we were stuck in traffic

“there’s a 90/10 rule. 90 percent of our lives we have control over. but 10 percent we have no control whatsoever. like traffic..

(pictured above: hell, otherwise known as 405 traffic)

no matter what, cars will be there. there’s nothing we can do about traffic, so the solution is, we leave earlier to beat it; or we put on music we enjoy.”

well said, mamabear.

I have comprised a simple pie chart on microsoft excel to provide a better representation of this statement (to satisfy the visual learner).


Ah yes. NOM NOM I love pie. charts.

And apparently so does Jason Segel’s character,

Marshall Eriksen, in How I Met Your Mother. he once created a pie chart of his favorite bars. and a bar graph of his favorite pies.


But I digress. The small slice of that pie of life is what we have no control over. It’s the slice we have to share, the part we have to give away.

The things we need to let go.

So to add to my mother’s little, but quite substantial amount of advice..

10 percent of our lives is what happens to us,
90 percent is how we choose to react.

Life is full of everyday decisions, crossroads, and pathways.
And we can choose to live it, or we can choose to let it pass us by.

This past year, especially the last WEEK, has been proof of the 90 + 10 formula.

“coincidence” is merely a display of God acting anonymously.

“when you want something,
the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

Universe meaning that which is created by God. And since God is present in everything he has created.

God [(Creation + Mystery)] x Destiny + |Free will| = Your Success.

(Okay, maybe that was a little much)

HOWEVER, I have been shown that that quote from my favorite book The Alchemist, has proven to be true time and time again.

So I guess what we all can take from this life lesson entry is to live your life according to what satisfies your soul. Use God’s grace to guide you, and do not be afraid of making bold decisions.

drankscheers to the good life!

the inexplicable, catastrophic, enigmatic, series of seeming unrelated, wonderment of SERIES of events is what caused you to be present in this moment and to be reading this entry right now.

it doesn’t matter if you were persuaded to click a link
or if you miraculously stumbled upon it,
and decided to read it all the way through (thank you by the way)

it doesn’t matter.
you’re here, now.

because in the end.. what is mean to be

is meant to be.