Chopin beats & droppin Brahms.


i’m naked again.
May 21, 2009, 11:36 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

“Whatever is necessary is never unwise.”

The purpose of this entry is not to induce pity, nor is it to bring light to the “problems” I have in my life. I want to write about everything that has been going on, because quite frankly, I know I’m not the only one.

As humans, it is within our nature to relate to each other, and to seek others for support. It is through our social nature that we have adapted and thus survived what seems to others as impossible.

gma

Death can destroy the body,
but it can never touch the soul.

So since you are reading this now, I invite you (and would appreciate it) to read until the end.

Storytime.

It is May 21 2009. Almost two weeks of vacation have passed, but the word “vacation” is hardly an accurate description. Birthdays, mother’s day, graduations, me landing my first job, and the highly anticipated SCPASA elections, life seemed to be getting brighter. It was as if every day brought with it a pleasant surprise.

The Sunday of SCPASA elections was a notable one. Lakers won game 7 of the Western Conference Semi-Finals and were moving on to the finals, I was voted as the director of Public Relations, boiling crab with my family, and ending the night at Disneyland with some good friends from Cal Poly Pomona.

——–

Before I went to sleep that night, I thought wow, this was a damn good day. And I also reviewed in my mind what other events that happened that week.. Tiff’s birthday party, Mother’s day, More Fire Mondays with the mount crew, Mount’s graduation, USC’s graduation.

Exhausted from the week/day’s celebrations I fell asleep soundly.

Or so I thought.

I was rudely awakened by a phone call from my father at 2 a.m. Now I was thinking, Why is dad calling me when I’m in the next room? Annoyed, I picked up anyway.

“I just wanted you to know that Lola passed away already,” he said.
At a loss for words, I simply replied “Ok.”

Suddenly my day didn’t seem so wonderful..

I hung up and buried my head in my pillows, saturating them with my tears, muffling my agony. We all were preparing for it, but it still hurts. My grandmother didn’t live here, but she did come to the states enough times that we all got close to her.

I tried to reason with myself by saying that she didn’t die in pain, and she died in the comfort of her own home. She got to see all of her children before she passed away, and she was able to talk to her grandchildren.

I texted friends to pray for our family, and made a futile attempt to go back to sleep.

The next morning was calamity. The family spent the entire day making phone calls, and scheduling their flights back home. To release my anxiety, I went to the gym to start my boxing sessions again.

I guess I didn’t eat very much that day and I almost passed out during my session.

(This is what happens when you haven’t been training for 2 months and your class begins with 100 pushups as a warm-up).

I staggered to the restroom to put some glucose in my system before I completely blacked out, and I woke up on the floor. I gulped down some 10 calorie vitamin water and came back for more. I didn’t care. I needed this.. release.

Punching those bags was my way of displacing my anger that someone I loved so dearly was taken away from me.

The rosary we prayed that night was an emotional one. Like I said before, my dad doesn’t cry. But I clung to his arm while he went through tissue after tissue wiping away tears.

It breaks my heart to see him this way.

I stayed strong throughout the prayer, and didn’t let my emotions get the best of me. I held back tears and mentally prepared myself for what will happen.

The very next day I went to the airport to send off my family. After watching a close victory for the Lakers, we all gave our love, kisses and hugs, and said goodbyes at the terminal.

I took those that stayed behind to Pink’s for some victory dogs. It was spent with good company, as well as close family. After a hearty meal and some shared laughs we decided to venture home. And to my dismay I found a parking ticket.

I love L.A.

Well it’s a good thing I had a job interview the next morning, which was pretty much a guarantee. The supervisor already told me when she wanted to schedule me, she just wanted to come talk to me face to face. How’d I get this interview? The woman is a friend of my stepmom.

STEPMOM.
I never thought I would have to use that term in a million years. But then again I never thought I would witness my parents’ marriage fail after almost 20 years of marriage.

I had to use that word because my soon to be boss used it. So how else am I supposed to react? “Oh actually she’s not my stepmom, she’s my dad’s fiancée and they don’t know when they’re getting married yet.”

Mmmmm don’t think so. But it doesn’t matter anymore because I couldn’t get the job. Apparently I need to be “certified” nursing assistant in order to work at a skilled nursing facility. Student nurses can only work at hospitals.

“Sayang,” (tagalog for “what a waste”) the supervisor said.

Driving home from the interview, frustrated/angry, and depressed. I just want a job to help out my family. And with this economy, it’s hard to get anything.

So now that my family is gone, I’m the one in charge of taking the kids to school (my sister and the neighbors), as well as picking up from practice if need be, while trying to find a job and stay sane at the same time.

Last night I also hosted my first board meeting for Pangkat 2009 2010. I bleed busy. But all this busy-ness has caused me to not come to terms with everything that’s going on.

I just lost my grandmother.
I’m going to have a stepmother.
I need a job.


I haven’t been able to commit to any emotion, or feel real ones even. This newly acquired survival tactic of suppressing my emotions has now become my greatest weakness.

I’ve been frontin’ so hard that I should get an academy award.

So to prevent myself from breaking down with everything that’s been going on, I wrote this blog.

As this generation gets younger and more independent, I think we’re forgetting how to effectively cope with our emotions.

It’s either we display too much, or we don’t show enough.

And I think it’s really ironic that we do all these things to occupy ourselves and distract our minds. We want to become independent.

Right now I never thought being independent could be so lonely—no, seriously.

But here’s what I’ve gathered from my 20 almost 21 years of life.

It’s an all too familiar story.  I try so hard to make things work, to make ends meet.

And the harder I try, the harder I fall.

But I have to remember that I can’t have everything. I can’t control everything. And sometimes,

Now is not the time.

Even as much as I wanted to prepare myself for the death of my grandmother. I wasn’t ready. None of us were.

And the greatest lessons she taught me was to cherish the life that you have, to live in the present, to thank God, and to love with all your heart. She was a fighter.

She fought a stroke for 2 years, cheated death this April, and joined the angels in heaven in the wee hours of Monday morning.

If life were permanent, it wouldn’t be so valuable.

Times are hard right now. Fuck it. Shit sucks right now.

But everything always ends up being all right in the end.
And if it’s not all right, it’s not the end.

So instead of trying to elicit some emotion to commit to, or exhaust myself trying to make ends meet.. I’m going to live.

We remember the dead by mourning,
we honor the dead by living.

Lola this is for you.
May your soul rest in paradise.

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2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

my dear dear tash, you are wise beyond your years. i think you can handle it on your own, but if you just need to talk…i’m here. i know everyone says that, but i really am here. my nanay is probably hanging out with your lola as i type this. =) there’s probably more fire in heaven too. haha. i doubt there’s fire, but more clouds? hahaha.

i’m here and i love you.

Comment by daynee

i love you.

Comment by Jean




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